sincerely, pitchfork

TO ALL ASPIRING INDIE MUSICIANS:

We can make you, and we can break you.

At the slightest whim we possess the power to catapult your band, who's discography may consist of nothing more than a 4-song EP, into the Next-Big-Thing stratosphere and subsequently into the MBAA (Most Blogged About Artist) spot on The Hype Machine.

Conversely, once you have ascended to an undeserved level of indie-bordering-on-mainstream stardom, it is likely that you will fall out of our favor and we will choose to exercise our ability to cut you back down to size.

Our earlier affinity for your music will in no way hold us back from unequivocally denouncing your future releases. For example, no matter how lavishly and articulately we may praise your first demo, we will not hesitate to wordlessly and humiliatingly dismiss your debut album. It may even be the case that we called said demo, "a record with not just a distinctive aesthetic, but also one single-worthy track after another," with four "catchy, tightly executed songs that put a memorable stamp on pop's classic themes." But even if the album that follows includes all of these songs, with the only notable difference being their improved production, we will have no qualms about giving it one of our worst ratings of the year and providing absolutely no explanation.

Sincerely,
Pitchfork Media, Inc.










P.S. Truth be told, Partie Traumatic isn't too exciting and I've already become a little tired of the high-school-flavored dilemmas of Black Kids' songs. But come on, I expect the indie-braintrust at Pitchfork to at least pretend it is more objective and less flighty than my personal predilections. Either they're getting lazy or they're indulging in an indie-rock power trip. And there goes my brilliant conceit.