i'm starting a new band

In an attempt to channel my unforgiving jealousy of Zooey Deschanel's clothes, lifestyle and singing voice, I have decided to start band. And this isn't just any band, my friends. This is a band that is going to put She & Him to disreputable shame until no one can remember who they even were, except wasn't that girl from Elf in it? Yeah, you get it.

My new project has a similar formula to that of She & Him. First, take one ridiculously talented guitar player with many successful albums, a sultry voice and a first initial/last name pseudonym, combine him (or her in my case) with a famous person who is cute, sweet and can sell tickets and kablooey, you've got not just one successful band but two, the dual-gender group with a newly released album entitled Volume One and the strictly girls only club counterpart with a new release tentatively called, "Our Famous Person Was Nominated For An Oscar". Allow me to introduce you to Me & Nim.

Sure, Abigail Breslin is like 13 years younger than Zooey Deschanel. She's not as hot, nor as stylish and any heckling from the crowd could be considered illegal (I'm referencing the removal of clothing, if you catch my drift). But she's come a long way. Remember Little Miss Sunshine? Didn't she just break your heart? Her newest film, Nim's Island, is sure to make a killing in the indie-rock scene--I heard that Pitchfork gave the soundtrack 10 stars, which is notably 2 more stars than was awarded to In Rainbows, an album often compared to seeing God and having an orgasm. Whatever this girl touches turns to gold--but hey, let's get to the point.

I wont deny that Zooey Deschanel has written some pleasant little ditties about falling in love and heartbreak and boys and sappy, silly, girly shit. They're nice songs. She's a nice girl. Need I mention, however, that her acting debut wasn't until she was 18, an age where she had successfully evaded the terrors and anxieties of the typical young, Hollywood starlette merely to come out on top looking completely clean and angelic? Not my Breslin. This girl's been on the silver screen since she was 8! Her lyrics might be a little on the poopy-doopy, cwappy-wappy side now, but give that girl a few years, a handful of nights snorting coke in the ladies room, a stint in rehab and probably a baby, and we are money. I bet her pen wont even be able to leave the page, she'll be crafting the lyrics of musical stardom. And not just hers, folks....mine.

All jokes aside, Me & Nim is the best band you haven't heard yet, while She & Him leaves something to be desired. Were you at the show at NYU's Skirball Theater last night? Sure, Deschanel can spiral daintily in mule heels but the girl has less rhythm than a cucumber, even a cucumber wrapped in tin foil that M. Ward probably shoved down his pants when he met her for the first time. She has a charming voice and commendable stage presence but it's clear that M. Ward is the Jesus to her Virgin Mary: one is the son of God, performing miracles and defining humility while the other is the chaste Matriarch who got knocked up by accident.

I'll leave you to ponder what biblical characters Me & Nim will someday resemble, though I'll give you a hint: it's all the good ones.

She & Him - You Really Got a Hold On Me (buy)